


All The Torments

by azul_ora



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean-Centric, Light Angst, M/M, Purgatory, Regret, Regretful Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-16 03:05:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11245029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azul_ora/pseuds/azul_ora
Summary: Prayer is a sign of faith.





	All The Torments

**Author's Note:**

> **PLEASE READ**  
>  Warnings for grieving, mild depression and references to mental illness. If any of this triggers or squicks you, please consider before reading.

Cas?! Cas, where the hell did you go?  
Cas?!  
CAS!

 

 

Where the hell are we, Cas? What is this place? What mess have we got ourselves into now?

 

 

I think we're in Purgatory, Cas. I think stabbing Dick brought us here.  
Stabbing dick, heh.  
Sorry. Even when I'm praying I'm still making bad bi jokes, huh?  
Sorry.  
Where are you, Cas?  
Where did you go?  
Why did you go?

 

 

There was a vamp tried to attack me today, Cas. I sliced his head off.  
That's a proper contradiction, isn't it? If you kill a monster in the monster afterlife, where does it go?  
Not back to Earth, I hope.  
I miss you, Cas. Come back?

 

 

Cas, where the fuck are you? Disappearing for a couple of days, fair enough, but it's been two weeks. Where have you gone?  
I can't do this without you.  
I need you, Cas. Please…  
Please…  
Please.

 

 

More vamps today, and a wraith. I'm lucky I was carrying weapons when we got sent here.  
You…  
Oh God, you didn't have anything.  
You don't have anything.  
No weapons except that bloody bone, and we left that behind.  
Cas?  
Are you there?  
Are you still even alive?

 

 

Cas… oh god, I'm so sorry.  
I'm sorry, Cas.  
I'm so, so sorry.

 

 

I treated you like crap. I shouldn’t have done that. You were just trying to help.  
Sam's alive because of you.  
I'm alive because of you.  
Oh god, Cas, I'm so sorry.  
Can you…  
Can you forgive me?

 

 

I pray to the angel Castiel. I pray that they hear me.

 

 

I pray to the angel Castiel. I pray that they hear me.

 

 

I pray to the angel Castiel. I pray that they-  
I pray to the angel Castiel. I pr-  
I pray to the-  
I pray-  
I pr-  
…  
Cas…  
I can't…

 

 

Cas?  
It's been a month, I think. Difficult to keep count. I've been more concerned with keeping my head.  
There are so many vamps down here. Werewolves. Wraiths. Djinns. But mostly vamps. Damn fangs are everywhere, and they keep coming for me.  
Are you… do you… I mean, they're _everywhere_ , Cas, and you got nothing.  
You had nothing, because of me.  
Are you dead? Am I just praying to empty air, to your last breath, to the space you left behind?  
I _can't_ , Cas, I can't do this alone. I _need_ you, Cas.  
I…  
Cas, I…  
…  
Come back, okay?

 

 

You’re an asshole, Cas.  
Just come back.  
…  
I miss you.

 

 

Cas?  
Two months. Purgatory isn’t much like they said, huh? My skin is going red from blood. I can’t wash it off, no matter how many times I try.  
Just like me, I suppose. I’m tainted, I get that now. I guess I fit in here. It feels raw, y’know, it feels real. It feels almost like I’m supposed to be here.  
Shit.  
Shit, fuck, fucking shit.  
Help me, Cas.  
I think I might be losing my mind.  
I miss you, Cas. Just please come back.  
Please…

 

 

I met a vamp today called Benny. He says he knows a way out of here, Cas. A way that humans can leave. He says he’ll show me the way, as long as I take him with me.  
I won’t leave without you, Cas. I told him as much.  
No more praying and hoping. I’m coming to find you, Cas, if I have to interrogate every fang we cross paths with from now to fucking Judgement Day.  
I won’t leave without you.  
I can’t.  
I need you, Cas. That’s the truth of it. I need you.

 

 

Five months, Cas. We’re still looking for you. Some of the fangs we’ve met have heard whispers of an angel walking in the wilds, out beyond the lakes. There’re no polar directions here, no north-south-east-west, but Benny seems to know which way ‘the lakes’ are.  
Following a fang to find you. I’ve gotta hope the bastards we killed weren’t lying, Cas, cause I haven’t changed my mind. I won’t leave here without you.  
I’ll find you, Cas.  
I’ll find a way.

 

 

We passed the last big lake two days ago, Cas. If it’s possible, these areas of forest look even more dead than the rest of this place. Everything’s curled over and rotten.  
It feels sick, Cas.  
It feels pure.  
I think I left my mind behind me a long time ago.  
This whole place is dying, and we just keep on going. I got nothing left except you.

 

 

I don’t really know how long it’s been since we came here. Time doesn’t seem to mean much anymore. I think this place does have a day and a night, but half the time it’s so overcast you can’t really tell.  
Do you know, Cas? Is your attentive, obsessive mind still counting every second that ticks by? Can you tell the time in heartbeats from when we landed here?  
I don’t know anymore, Cas. I really don’t. This place feels pure and raw and wrong, like a part of me’s been torn away. Hell was bad, but this is… shifted. Like sometime tried to colour inside the lines but ended up just going over the edges. I’m blurred.  
I’m scared, Cas.  
Help me not be.  
How do you choose not to feel?

 

 

I really hate you sometimes.

 

 

I really miss you sometimes.

 

 

I wish you were here, Cas. We’ve been getting further and further out, and Benny’s starting to doubt you’re even still alive. Or whatever passes for alive in this place.  
I am too.  
Give me a sign, Cas, give me something. Don’t let me give up on you.  
I can’t give up on you, Cas.  
I need you.

 

 

So, I haven’t prayed in a while.  
I guess I forgot. I’m not myself anymore, not really. I wonder, before he died, whether Benny was half as crass and harsh as he is now, or whether Purgatory pulls that side out of everyone, till there’s blood on your hands and razors under your skin. My arms are soaked in red, and it’s not going away, no matter how hard I try.  
Time to pay for your sins, huh?  
This is worse than Hell.

 

 

I miss you.  
I need you.  
I…  
Cas, I…  
I l-  
I lo-  
…  
I can’t.  
I’m sorry.

 

 

I hate you. I really hate you.  
Why did you leave, Cas? Why did you leave me?  
I’m sorry. Shit, I’m sorry. I treated you like shit.  
Is that why you left? Because I wasn’t worth staying for, because the second you didn’t need me anymore you couldn’t stand to be around me?  
You’d be right to hate me, Cas.  
I hate me.  
And I hate you.

 

 

“Cas!”  
“Dean.”

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own 'em - if I did, it'd be a lot more diverse.  
> The title is from the quote 'Purgatory fire will be more intolerable than all the torments that can be felt or conceived in this life.', by Venerable Bede.  
> The lines  
> ‘I’m scared, Cas.  
> Help me not be.  
> How do you choose not to feel?’  
> are lifted from Star Trek Into Darkness, with Cas’s name in place of Spock’s, and I do not own those lines.


End file.
